Intenerate My Heart
by ipreferwestside
Summary: Intenerate (verb): To soften or make tender. Beckett has a revelation while talking to Dr. Burke. AU set during 4x21, Headhunters. Two-shot. COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: This little plot bunny wormed its way in my mind from one of the season 4 bloopers and wouldn't go away. Set during 4x21, Headhunters. Two-shot ('cause it got a bit long for a one-shot). Rated T for a few scattered swears._

* * *

 _"I know not whether I do not too much indulge the vain longings of affection; but I hope they intenerate my heart..." - James Boswell, The Life of Samuel Johnson, 1791_

* * *

 **Intenerate My Heart**

"What do you _want_ to do?"

"I want to fuck his brains out."

The words were out of Kate's mouth before she could stop them, and while they surprised her, Dr. Burke didn't seem fazed at all. He just looked at her with _that_ expression, the one that would be neutral to the untrained eye. But Beckett could see the hint of a smile, the lone giveaway that he was two steps ahead of her and knew exactly what her next move would be.

So, needless to say, he didn't look at all surprised at her admission. In fact, he almost looked amused.

"Is that all you want to do?"

Kate sighed and slid down into the armchair. "No. I don't just want sex. That would have happened a long time ago if I did. I want – more." She made eye contact with him again. "I'm a better person when I'm around him. He makes me want to be the woman he deserves, to be whole."

"But you're not whole. He's not whole." Dr. Burke folded his hands in his lap, pen and paper long abandoned. "Kate, you need to understand that nobody is a complete, whole, put-together person. Everyone has issues. In Castle, you've found someone whose strengths balance out your weaknesses, and vice versa. He helps hold you together."

"Like the sniper case."

Burke nodded. "The sniper, the bank robbery. Let me ask you: if Castle hadn't been a hostage, would you have gone to the bank that day?"

Kate shook her head. "Of course not. It wasn't my division, my jurisdiction – oh." She paused. "I went there because I needed to get him out."

"Because he's your partner? Your friend?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

 _Shit._ "No." Kate swiped at the tears that had begun to fall. "I love him," she whispered, barely audible. "I love him with every fiber in my being." She chuckled. "God, that's sappy."

Burke smiled then. "Maybe a little. But I'm relatively sure you should be telling that to someone else."

* * *

"Katherine, darling, what a surprise!" Martha exclaimed, opening the door with her usual flourish.

Kate wrung her hands in front of her and looked past Martha, trying to see more of the loft. "Hi Martha. Um, is Rick here?"

Martha stepped to the side, motioning for Kate to enter. "No, he's off with that other detective. But, since you're here, I want to talk to you."

"Sure, of course." They sat on the couch. "What's going on?"

"I'm worried, Katherine," Martha said once they were settled. "He hasn't acted like this in years, with that weekend trip to Vegas, then coming home with that girl—"

"The flight attendant."

"And now he's running around with this other detective, what's his name?"

"Slaughter."

Martha shuddered. "What an awful name. This man, he seems dangerous. Has Richard said anything to you about it?"

"He just said he needed something different, something new." Kate almost missed Martha's subtle nod, the small lift of the corner of her mouth. "Martha, why? What did he say to you?"

Martha took Kate's hands in hers and squeezed. "Oh darling, you two really need to work on your communication. Talk to each other."

"I tried. I asked if everything was okay, he said he's never been better. I tried last week, but he shut me down. I don't know what to do."

"Do you care about him?"

"Of course."

"Does he know this?"

Kate shrugged. "Well, yeah. I would assume. I mean, I've never come right out and said so, but he knows I do."

Martha cocked an eyebrow. "If you've never told him, how would he know?"

"Well, he hasn't said anything either!"

"Hasn't he?"

Kate opened her mouth to protest but nothing came out, the pieces finally clicking together.

He knew.

She didn't know how, or when, but he knew that she'd heard him that day in the cemetery. And that she'd lied to him about it.

The bombing case. He'd heard her.

 _Shit._

She groaned and leaned her elbows on her knees, pressing her hands to her face. Finally, after a few long seconds, she looked at Martha again, trying to ignore the look of satisfaction on her face. "Am I too late?"

"I certainly hope not. But you need to get him back."

* * *

She tried to call him for three days after his case with Slaughter was over. The first two days he answered the phone with a curt "Dead body?" and she couldn't lie to him anymore so she said no, to which he promptly hung up without another word. Her call on the third day went straight to voicemail.

On day four she enlisted Martha's help. They'd had a long talk in the loft, and Martha had confessed that at first she was just as upset as Castle that Kate had lied about hearing his declaration of love. But she understood why Kate had done it, and now wanted Kate and her son to make up if only to get him back to normal.

Even if Kate knew normal would never be the same.

So Martha made herself scarce on Kate's next day off; she showed up at the building with coffee and bagels just as Martha was leaving. Martha offered a "Good luck, dear," a hug, and an encouraging smile.

Kate tried to control her breathing in the elevator, but the closer she got to his floor the more her heart raced. Martha had been right: they were terrible at communicating, having relied on looks and innuendos for years, and they were way overdue for an actual conversation. Before she knew it she was standing at his door, knocking before she could talk herself out of it.

The door opened almost immediately, Castle's neutral expressing morphing into something darker as he took in her presence. "What is it, Beckett?" he asked coldly, his body filling the door frame so she couldn't barge her way in.

"I need to talk to you."

"Okay." He didn't move.

Kate flicked her eyes past him. "Can I come in?"

"No. You want to talk, so talk."

"Fine." Kate steeled herself and stood straight, bringing herself as close to his height as her flats would let her. "I'm sorry, Rick. For everything. I'm sorry that I lied. I'm sorry you found out how you did. I'm sorry that it's taken me this long to say something."

"Why'd you lie?"

She huffed and pushed Castle out of the way, stepping into his kitchen. She knew he was trying to protect himself, was using the apartment as a metaphor for his heart, but she'd be damned if she was going to stand in the hall for this conversation.

"I was scared." The words felt weird; she'd made that confession to Dr. Burke months before, but hadn't vocalized it since. "When you told me, I was afraid it was in the heat of the moment, that maybe you didn't actually mean it. But then when I came back, I knew that you did, and – Rick, I am so, so sorry."

Castle finally took a step forward into the kitchen as well, placing himself on the opposite side of the island. "It's been almost a year, Kate. It's taken you this long to what, figure out how to put me down?"

"No. You know why I was so afraid, why I lied to you in the hospital?" Kate took a few steps around the island so she was in front of him, placed a tentative hand on his cheek, allowed a smile when he didn't pull away. "Because I loved you too, I still do, and if you hadn't meant it I would be absolutely heartbroken. I did it to protect myself, and it was selfish, and stupid, and I will apologize every day for the rest of my life if you want—"

He cut her off with his lips crashing against hers, his hands moving of their own volition to tangle in her hair. The kiss was slow and deep, saying everything that had gone unsaid in the past months. "Kate," he gasped when they finally parted, both trying to catch their breath.

"I'm sorry—"

"Stop apologizing." Castle stared into her eyes, searching for anything that told him this was a dream or too good to be true. It wasn't – all he saw there was love, and it broke his heart, because he had to break hers. "There's something I have to tell you."

Beckett took a step back at his serious tone. "You don't love me anymore."

"No. I mean, yes. I still love you. I always have." He took a deep breath, took her hands in his. "I've always loved you, Kate, and that's why I did something, and that's why I have to tell you."

"Castle, spill. What are you trying to say?"

"It's about your mom."


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed the first chapter! To those who said they were looking forward to reading Beckett's reaction to Castle's confession, well, I've always imagined that no matter the surrounding circumstances, she'd have the same reaction she did in the show. And to the Guest who didn't really like how Beckett pushed her way into Castle's apartment, I apologize because Castle kinda does the same thing in this one. But I'd also like to mention that Castle could have stopped Beckett if he really wanted to. So...subtext? :)_

* * *

 _"I know not whether I do not too much indulge the vain longings of affection; but I hope they intenerate my heart..." - James Boswell,_ _The Life of Samuel Johnson_ _, 1791_

* * *

 ** _Intenerate My Heart_**

 ** _Part Two_**

He didn't even try calling her after the second day of her ignoring him. He knew that pestering her would only make her angrier and prolong her silence, so he told himself that he'd give her a week. He wasn't surprised that neither Ryan nor Esposito called him, either; he was sure that Beckett had told them everything, or at least enough for them to know it was bad.

Finally the week was up, and with complete radio silence from Beckett, he decided enough was enough. She was going to talk to him, to hear him out, no matter what. He'd barely gotten his confession out about Smith and the file before she'd yelled at him, called him a bastard and asshole and accused him of betraying her, and stormed out.

Castle arrived at her door in the waning hours of the evening, not sure if he wanted her to be home or not. He knocked on her door twice and got no answer; either she wasn't home, or she was ignoring him. Well, she was out of luck. He wasn't going anywhere.

It was nearly midnight before Beckett arrived home to see Castle sitting against her door, his head leaning against it, asleep and lightly snoring. She felt a myriad of emotions, ranging from amusement to anger to an overwhelming feeling of love. She understood why he'd done what he did; even her own dad had apparently asked Castle to keep her from the case. But he still lied to her, and that hurt more than him keeping the evidence from her. If she'd known about Smith, known about the file he had...

Kate didn't want to wake him, but not only did she need to get inside – it had been a very long day spent wrapping up a very difficult case – he didn't look comfortable. She approached him quietly and kicked his outstretched foot with hers. "Hey," she said quietly, mindful of the late hour and her neighbors who were already asleep.

Castle jerked awake, looking around in confusion before settling his eyes on her. He stood slowly, wincing at his sore back and tailbone. Sitting on a hard floor for hours was definitely not ideal. "Hi," he replied cautiously.

"How long have you been out here?"

"Um, I got here around six, maybe? Seven? I'm not sure." He stepped to the side as Beckett moved to unlock the door. "I came to talk to you."

Beckett stopped, her key in the lock, and leaned her forehead against the door. "Look, Castle, I'm tired. It's been a long day. Can we talk tomorrow after I get off work?"

"Sure. I'll just sleep on the couch."

She whirled around, fire in her eyes. "You are not sleeping on my couch, Castle. You're not coming inside, not after that shit you pulled."

Castle stretched, his back popping. "Well I'm not going home, so I'm either coming inside or sleeping out here. I'm pretty sure your neighbors would rather I not be in the hallway when they get up."

Beckett glared at him for a minute, then finally relented. He did have a point about her neighbors. And she knew him well enough to know when he was being more stubborn than her. "Fine."

* * *

Castle was alone when he woke the next morning. At first he thought maybe Beckett had decided against their much needed talk and had gone into work, until he saw the note on the coffee table.

 _Took today off. Went for coffee. Back soon._

She'd been kind enough to leave a toothbrush out for him. Small victories, he decided. He'd just come out of her bathroom when she walked through her door, balancing a drink carrier and pastry bag in one hand while locking the door with the other. Castle rushed forward to help when he saw the coffee waver.

Beckett managed to steady the coffee while shooting him one of her best looks. "I got it, Castle," she snapped.

Castle stepped into her kitchen. "Alright. Plate?"

"Nope."

Okay, so toothbrush aside, he wasn't forgiven, a point confirmed when she pulled his wallet out of her pocket.

"Thanks for the coffee," Beckett said, tossing the wallet towards him. At his questioning stare, she rolled her eyes. "I bought last time and it went untouched. It was your turn."

"That's fair." Castle sat on the couch and motioned to the other end. He didn't speak until she sat, placing his coffee in front of him. The pastry bag held just one bear claw, which she picked at, not even offering to share. That was also fair. "I need to explain myself, what I did."

"I'm listening."

"Your dad came to see me. Last year. After Raglan was killed and Lockwood had escaped. Anyways, he asked me to watch out for you, to keep you safe. To keep you from spiraling again."

"Is he a part of this too?"

Castle saw the panic in her eyes and quickly shook his head. "No, this was before. He had no idea. After you got shot, I got a phone call from a man who calls himself Smith. He'd been a friend of Montgomery's for a long time…"

It all came out then, Castle's promise to keep her from the case in return for Smith keeping her safe with the file. As he told her all of it, he saw her steely exterior start to soften and she eventually stood, started to pace. Finally, after what seemed like hours, Castle was silent.

Kate took several minutes to think about it, to process what Castle had told her. Yes, she was mad, felt betrayed. He knew what the case meant to her. But when she'd talked to her dad a few days before, he'd made a good point: Castle loved her and would keep her safe, even if it meant the possibility of losing her. Because to Castle, Kate being alive was worth more than any one case that may never be solved.

Even if it was her mom's.

Finally, Kate sat back down. "I don't like what you did," she started slowly. "But I know why you did it. And I would have probably done the same thing. I wish you had told me, but I understand why you didn't." She shifted closer, put a hand on his knee. "Let's make a deal."

"What kind of deal?"

"No more apologies. Not about these things, anyway. I don't apologize anymore for lying, you don't for keeping that secret. I forgive you, Rick. We've come clean. I want us to move forward. Can we do that?"

Castle smiled. "Yeah, we can do that." His hands snuck around her waist. "Seal with a kiss?"

Kate mirrored his grin with one of her own and pulled his head to hers. "Deal."


End file.
